pada aku, meneruskan pengajian di sini adalah nothing that great, nothing to brag. tapi bila aku bagitau nama institusi aku kat orang, orang jadik terbukak mata. aku pelik. dari sekolah lagi aku berjaya sambung belajar kat tempat yang dikumpulkan segala bijak pandai. yang rata-rata petik jari boleh dapat A. yang sebenarnya bila aku dah masuk tempat tu, aku duk pikir "takde menda yang bagus sangat pun tempat ni. banyak hal ada la." pada aku, dapat banyak A bermakna kau berjaya buat parents dan diri kau gembira.

tapi tu dulu.

aku tak tau sejak bila aku mula appreciate kedudukan aku sekarang. aku tak tau jugak sejak bila aku faham yang sebenarnya belajar di institusi yang bagus bukan bermakna A-class teachers and facilities. yang sebenarnya adalah apa yang aku terima dari tempat belajar aku. beyond the crappy system and place lies the beauty of learning. orang duk kata belajar kat sini asyik pasal teori dan pentingkan cgpa. tak macam kat universiti oversea. betul. it really is true. tapi rupanya yang lebih penting adalah self-development sendiri. pada aku, lecturers are held liable until the moment we open our eyes and realize about our surroundings. the moment we realize and aware of our surroundings, we are responsible of our act. aku mengepos begini bukan saja-saja. tapi aku kecewa bilamana kawan-kawan belajar aku duk pung pang pung pang menyalahkan segala benda di sekeliling. kerajaan salah, institusi salah, cikgu-cikgu sekolah salah. yang betul hanya orang luar. orang luar negara, orang yang berlainan. sebenarnya aku pun pernah sampai point tu. but the thing is, those things are beyond my control. i can't tell the teachers how to teach me, they'll do it their own way. it is me who is liable of the way i learn. i'm now clear of my niat for being here. kerana aku ingin belajar dan perbaiki diri aku. lillahita'ala. kalau ilmu yang aku dapat kat sini boleh pakai untuk aku kongsi dengan orang, maka aku akan cuba mempelajari ilmu ni sebaik mungkin. ilmu adalah milik Allah, yang aku dapat hanyalah sedikit kasih dariNya untuk aku kongsi dengan orang.

i'm happy and really grateful to Allah ta'ala for the chance He gave me. orang lain study oversea, aku study kat dalam negara lagi. dapat balik rumah every weekend lagi :B
sambil aku nak bercerita tentang memperbaiki sistem dalam negara dan orang sekeliling, sambil tu jugak la aku patut memperbaiki diri sendiri. because you know, great things start small.

Alhamdulillah.

there's only one thing in this world that i'd never ever want to trade with any other,

my parents.
Allah has grant me this awesome pair who has taken care of me since day 1 till now. shows me what love till jannah actually means, taught me how to live and raise me with so much care and attention.
abah, the only guy in my life who'd never whine when it comes to money matters.
mak, the person who taught me that being a superwoman means to love and care for her kids in health and sickness. seriously, she's got the best antibodies and i mean it!

dedicating this post to the two most important people in my life. may Allah showers His love and care towards you both in this world and hereafter.

amiinn..

2013 has come.
i need new calendar.

i spent the whole week here in college. nothing to brag about but nothing i'd ever imagine during early of 2012.
2012 ended. marking the start of mayan's pun. it isn't funny when everyone tried to be funny. you're funny if you're rare. and not bitter. sarcasm are usually made by the bitters. or whatever you wanna call yourself.
this is the first time ever i'm not at home during the new year's eve. felt quite lonely actually. i usually spent new years on my couch. or bed. it feels weird spending the night in a rented bed. the first day of holiday is in a strange place. weird.

and to whom it may concern, i wish the best in your life right now and the hereafter. new age, still, the same person :)

cleared out my closet yesterday. abah rant on me and sister having so much clothes but still wants to get more. and he forgets that he's the one going to tailor every now and then. ish. like father also like daughter -.-

i found a few stuffs which i've totally forgotten. back during school days, i was kind of thoughtful when it comes to birthdays or any special event. now? i even almost forgot my family's birthday! :3 anyway, i used to prepare little gifts for my closed friends. and some of them which i rarely contact now (sadly..). it was my fault actually. i found some jeruk in my memory box. some jeruk which i should've given to these people. there were 4 actually. regretted not sending two, relieved for keeping the other two. i don't know whether to keep on keeping them or just use them anyway. it's sort of between choosing to eat or sleep when i'm hungry and sleepy.

i should vanish now.

i was wrong.
it's not another change that i need. indeed, i've been slacking and forgotten so much.

istiqomah is probably the next best solution. next to drugs treatment i mean. do they use drugs to cure such problems? i don't know. but don't doubt it either. modern meds are always associated with drugs. don't even know why they'd choose drugs than other natural resources. maybe meds practitioner should start going green with medicine. go green meds! *tetibe*

having a variety of interest might not be a bad things. perhaps i should manipulate myself into doing 10 things at once. ok maybe 2 at once. just the committing part is still under construction.

maybe, just maybe, learning to become istiqomah is learning about being committed.

i shall practice it now.

i don't know how anyone could stick to one thing forever. it bugs me. i'm not an adventurous person (at least not that i know of) but the longest time i could give attention to something isn't as long as i wish i would. take an example in a class. i could only focus for half an hour. it's worst if the teacher is drop dead boring. besides, i can't commit to any hobbies for a long time. back when i was in primary school, probably in standard 4, i wrote about me not having any hobbies. for an essay narrating about your hobby. i decided to write about me jumping from one hobby to another. end up teacher called me and says that i wrote the essay wrongly. didn't she knew that it was a cry for help? ish.

i think i have this being constant with something issue.

maybe i need a constant reminder. but how can i remind myself if i can't seem to stick to it for long?
a change. maybe?

or maybe i should just admit that i easily lose interest towards anything i remotely liked for some time.